How many times have I looked back on those two years of fog and terror and wondered if I’ll ever untie the cords of meaning to it all. It looks like an old film reel when it plays in my mind; black and white, jumpy, with specks and scratches and an unfamiliar eerie silence to every slide.
In the vibrant production of my life this two year period right before I moved to LA remains the one episode that leans undeniably towards the horror genre. I grew up knowing Him, nearly feeling the weight of His hand in mine, knowing His Words better than my favorite song, and trusting His heart more often than my own. Then in an instant, He vanished. As soon as He stepped away horror rushed in clawing at my every nerve. I need not go into details in this particular account, but I know I had never felt sorrow or suffering or terror until then. And then…for two years.
Coming out of that time was much less of the passionate rescue I expected, and much more like wandering out of a dark forest and slowly adjusting my eyes to light again. As I’ve slowly walked the broken road of healing I’ve struggled to regain a full measure of trust in my King, yet He’s been patient through it all, and every once in awhile He makes me gasp in wonder when I see a glimpse of what it was all for. He doesn’t let anything happen by chance. I know that. But it’s hard to care about the purpose behind events when your Love has left your side and you’re holding the shreds of your heart in your own two hands. But each time He shows me another reason I become more grateful for that time. When you truly believe He is Love, you know that you can thank Him even for the nightmares. Those two years were one of the biggest gifts He has ever given me.
“Why..” I wondered just the other day as I stepped through the space between my car and my apartment, “does He want us to pray if He is going to do what is His will one way or another? Why does He want us to make requests?” How am I blinded in moments from His ultimate goal to know our hearts? So often we ask for things and He just smiles like a parent that plans to give their child something ten times better, but yearns to have them come and ask…and talk…and trust…all the same.
2nd Chronicles 32:31
…God left him alone only to test him, that He might know all that was in his heart.
What?! Could it be those two years were not just to make me better, and deeper and infinitely tender to the wounds of the people I’m living to rescue? Could it be it was so He could know me more intimately? Know my heart? All my life I’ve been pursuing Him, hunting Him down, demanding that my heart seek His face or else! And here…He stepped away not primarily to make me a better soldier…but to know me. My God…my God…wants to know me! He stepped away so that everything buried in my heart would boil to the surface and cry out to Him in all its seething and writhing and desire.
If this is true, if You really stepped away simply to see the veracity of my love…I can think of no better reason for all I endured. Thank You thank You! Let me never forget the deepest treasure of life is to know and be known by Love Himself!